Rethinking Praise: Glennon Doyle & Abby Wambach on Parenting with Dr. Laurie Santos

The Pitfalls of External Praise

• ⚽ Abby Wambach shares how her father paid her for scoring goals, leading to a focus on performance over intrinsic motivation.
• 💡 She consciously avoids saying "I'm proud of you" to her daughter to ensure her love is unconditional, regardless of performance.
• 🍰 The "cake pop story" illustrates how trying to "court" children with external rewards can backfire, becoming a family joke about wanting "all the cake pops."

Intrinsic vs. Extrinsic Rewards

• 🧠 Adding an extrinsic reward (like money or excessive praise) to an activity can diminish the intrinsic motivation to do it.
• ⚠️ This can lead children to focus solely on the reward rather than the activity itself, potentially making them dislike it.

The Shadow Side of "I'm Proud of You"

• 💬 Saying "I'm proud of you because you did well" implicitly means "I am less proud of you when you do not do well."
• 🎯 This statement centers the parent's opinion and needs for affirmation over the child's experience.

Shifting to "I'm Happy For You"

• ✅ A more effective approach is to say, "I'm happy for you," which reflects the parent's genuine feeling without judgment.
• 🚀 This phrasing gives children autonomy over their experiences and removes the parent's need for validation from the equation.
• 🔑 Parenting effectively involves regulating oneself and not needing affirmation from a child's performance.