Gutfeld: Elon Musk's Appearance and Trump's $5 Million Gold Card

Greg's Leftovers: A Week in Jokes

• 🤣 The show opens with "Greg's Leftovers," featuring unused jokes from the week, with the promise of a comedic consequence for the writer if they don't land.
• 🐢 A 97-year-old endangered tortoise becoming a first-time mother is highlighted, humorously congratulating the "new dad."
• 💳 Donald Trump's $5 million gold card is introduced, with a joke suggesting Nancy Pelosi might want one due to her perceived artificial appearance.
• 🎤 CNN contributor Eliot Ness (mistakenly referred to as Misttol) is joked about for allegedly hiding gang members in his hair.
• 🚶‍♂️ An anti-Trump protest called the "Hands Off March" is mentioned, with a jab at Pete Buttigieg for potentially skipping it.
• 🏋️‍♀️ Whoopi Goldberg is parodied for her resistance to Trump, specifically for ordering only one dessert and her fears of deportation.
• porn videos posted by a married army lieutenant and DEI specialist are mentioned, with the punchline being that the links expired.
• 🥔 The high cost of Easter eggs leads to a joke about Americans dyeing potatoes instead.
• 🐒 A study suggesting monkeys are better yodelers than humans is presented as news from the "Journal of Who Gives."
• 🚇 Crime in the New York City subway has dipped below pre-pandemic levels, with a joke that one now needs to buy a Tesla to be attacked.
• 💊 Weight loss drugs like Ozempic are noted for the side effect of hair loss, with a joke about it helping women lose weight and get rid of mustaches.
• 🗣️ A clip of Jasmine Crockett disparaging Byron Donalds for marrying a white woman is mentioned, with a note about her complimenting Ilhan Omar for marrying "a brother."
• 🧑‍🦲 Chuck Schumer is mocked for speaking for 25 hours on the Senate floor, pausing only for the cleaning crew to polish his head.
• 📱 A Florida Wendy's is requiring employees to hand over their phones before using the bathroom and not refer to anything left inside as a "whopper."
• 🚗 April is National Distracted Driving Awareness Month, fittingly noted as April is a girl's name.
• ✈️ An Alaska Airlines flight was diverted due to a strong odor in the cockpit, with a joke about who might have gotten their pilot's license.
• 🏳️‍🌈 Lena Dunham spoke at a Trans Day of Visibility rally, stating she went with her gut and took a break from acting for bigger roles.

Elon Musk's Appearance and Monologue

• 👶 Elon Musk has agreed to appear on the show, with Gutfeld humorously agreeing to have his baby in return.
• 💰 Trump's $5 million gold card is the subject of Gutfeld's monologue, highlighting its creation out of thin air and its potential to generate billions.
• 🇺🇸 The card is described as a "Trump card" and a "gold card," with Gutfeld joking about being the first buyer.
• 🤝 The concept of the gold card is compared to creating an asset out of nothing, similar to Trump's past proposals like acquiring Greenland or Canada becoming the 51st state.
• 📈 A prediction from former commerce secretary Carlos Gutierrez suggests tariffs will not last long and are part of a larger negotiation strategy.
• 🚗 Car companies like GM are reshoring production, with Trump credited for making American car companies American again without subsidies.
• 🇨🇦 Trump's tactics, like threatening to make Canada a state, are compared to how single men propose marriage, keeping others off balance.
• 🌎 The markets are predicted to boom, with the rest of the world looking for ways to make deals with the US.
• 🚢 Trump's actions, such as eyeing Greenland or suggesting leaving NATO, are shown to provoke reactions that lead to countries taking their own defense seriously.
• 🎭 The difference between action (like tariffs) and acting (like Chuck Schumer's 25-hour speech) is emphasized, with action leading to negotiation and seriousness.
• 🧠 Self-obsession is linked to mental illness and the current state of the Democratic party, contrasting with Trump's use of uncertainty as a negotiation tool.

Panel Discussion: Gold Cards, Markets, and Debt

• 📈 Regarding the stock market, Gutfeld notes that media focuses on turbulence while Trump predicts eventual smoothness, comparing it to how media covers labor strikes.
• 💡 The gold card idea, initially seeming crazy, is presented as an example of how unconventional ideas can work, similar to the lottery system.
• 💰 The idea of combining the lottery with the gold card for citizenship is humorously proposed.
• 🍫 A suggestion is made to create chocolate bars with a chance for citizenship, or for American citizens to be deported if they buy one.
• 📉 The panel discusses concerns about the 401k and market plung, with the observation that the market often recovers and sets new records.
• 💸 The concept of reciprocal tariffs is discussed, with the belief that countries will adjust to avoid being hit by US tariffs.
• 🤯 The $5 million gold card is called brilliant, with a hypothetical calculation suggesting 10 million cards sold could generate $50 trillion, potentially paying off the national debt.
• 🚫 A comparison is drawn between those complaining about the gold card and those who applaud the idea of undocumented immigrants using resources.
• 🚨 A serious take on the national debt ($37 trillion) is presented, emphasizing the need for unconventional means to solve the problem for future generations.
• 🇺🇸 Trump's ability to create something novel, like the gold card, is highlighted, with him being the first buyer as a display of wealth and a rejection of a presidential salary.