Ask A Sex Therapist: Swallowing, Lasting Too Long, Fetishes, & Exes

Swallowing and Oral Sex Dynamics

• 💡 The premise of men being universally "into swallowing" is questioned; instead, the focus is on partners giving and receiving oral sex in an enjoyable, non-begrudging way.
• ⚠️ Spitting out semen can feel like body-shaming to the giver, while swallowing can be uncomfortable for the receiver due to texture or taste.
• 💧 A glass of water or juice can help mitigate any lingering taste after swallowing, and it's noted that swallowing is a quicker process than running to the bathroom to spit.
• 🧠 Internalized shame around sex can contribute to hang-ups about bodily fluids; normalizing that bodily fluids taste like organs, not candy, is suggested.
• ✅ The goal is to find a way to make oral sex fun and exciting for both partners, rather than feeling obligatory.

Duration of Intercourse and Delayed Ejaculation

• ❓ It's not crazy to think a partner lasts too long; preferences for sexual duration vary, and good sex isn't necessarily long sex.
• 📊 Audience surveys suggest most people prefer intercourse to last between 5-15 minutes, with very few desiring 30+ minutes.
• ⚠️ Delayed ejaculation, or taking longer than desired to orgasm, can be caused by medications, the "death grip" phenomenon, or psychological/emotional factors like shame or guilt.
• 🧠 Focusing too much on lasting longer can lead to mental disengagement and difficulty reaching orgasm.
• 🗣️ Open communication with a partner and potentially therapy can help address issues with delayed ejaculation and performance anxiety.

Discussing Past Sexual Experiences

• 🚫 Avoid directly comparing a new partner to an ex by saying, "My ex used to do this."
• 💭 The "dream scheme" or "fantasy scheme" is recommended: framing a desired act as a recent dream or fantasy to introduce it positively.
• ✨ Requests should be made in a positive, light-hearted, and sexy way, making the partner feel like they've already won.
• 🤫 If a partner asks if a specific act was done with an ex, it's often best to say no, as honesty in this context can be cruel and unkind, and the focus should be on the current relationship.
• 🚩 However, if a partner is excessively jealous or controlling about past experiences, it can be a red flag for long-term relationship success.

Navigating Fetishes and Sexual Trauma

• 💡 Fetishes are typically central to a person's sexual experience and cannot simply be "gotten rid of"; one can choose not to engage, but acceptance is key.
• ⚖️ If a fetish feels unsafe or morally wrong, therapy is recommended; if a partner is not open to a fetish, it may require a difficult decision about the relationship's compatibility.
• 🤝 Exploring the fetish community can provide acceptance and understanding if a partner is not receptive.
• 💖 For survivors of sexual trauma, reclaiming a healthy sex life is possible through practical steps, though therapy is highly recommended for processing the experience.
• 💔 It's common and normal for sexual trauma to impact one's sex life, affecting feelings of safety, pleasure, and boundaries.

Initiation and Erectile Dysfunction

• 🔄 While it's normal to be turned on by a partner initiating, it shouldn't be the only way to get turned on; partners should take turns initiating.
• 😟 If both partners want the other to initiate, it can lead to a stalemate, requiring a shift in how one feels turned on and potentially seeking a course on initiation.
• 💪 Reassuring a partner with ED requires consistency and focusing on the pleasure they can provide through hands and mouth, which can often be more effective than penile intercourse alone.
• 🧠 ED is often psychological; focusing on partner pleasure can build confidence and potentially help with erections.
• 🤔 Honesty about one's own satisfaction is crucial; if satisfaction is low due to lack of interest in sex rather than partner's ability, it's unlikely the partner will be reassured.